FACT: if you believe any of these supremely dumb sex myths, then do the gene pool a favor, and don’t engage in activities that could lead to procreation.
The sex myths assembled here are not new. Chances are, you’ve heard many of them before. They are all patently ridiculous, but that’s not why these 15 sex myths are dumb. They’re dumb because, right now, there is someone out there who believes one, some, or all of these utterly moronic, paranoid myths that are either sexist, ignorant, completely insane, or a combination of all three.
So here are popular sex myths that are not even remotely true, along with the facts that should make you feel stupid if this is news to you.
SEX MYTH #1: Men enjoy sex more than women.
FACT: If you’re a man, and you believe this, then the truth is that women just don’t enjoy sex with you.
SEX MYTH #2: You can judge the size of a man’s package by the size of his feet.
FACT: There is no relationship between the size of a man’s feet and the size of his genital organs, or so says science.
SEX MYTH #3: Masturbation causes blindness.
FACT: If this were actually true, then no one in the entire world is reading this at this very moment.
SEX MYTH #4: You can get pregnant from kissing.
FACT: It’s okay to believe this myth if, like, you’re a little kid trying to work out the oftentimes disturbing details of the adult world. If you’re an adult and you believe this, then make sure you stuff a fistful of condoms in your mouth before sucking face.
SEX MYTH #5: You can catch an STD from the toilet.
FACT: Sexually transmitted diseases require moist environments to breed. The only thing you can catch from a toilet seat is “poo cooties.”
SEX MYTH #6: Men think about sex every seven seconds.
FACT: If men think about sex eight times a minute during a football game, then that changes what that sport is about entirely.
SEX MYTH #7: Women are incapable of having casual sex because they’re so emotional.
FACT: Your mom would beg to disagree.
SEX MYTH #8: It is possible to break a penis.
FACT: There is no actual “bone” in a “boner.” The penis can, however, tear. So feel free to scream out loud about that one. These men and women could scream out loud like it was their day job…or was it?
SEX MYTH #9: The average penis is eight inches.
FACT: The average size of a penis is six inches, or 15 centimeters if that makes you feel bigger.
SEX MYTH #10: Green M&M’s make you horny.
FACT: This is no more than a little green candy that looks like a pill. Not the prescribed little blue pill that some men eat like candy.
SEX MYTH #11: Sting had “tantric sex” for eight hours straight.
FACT: This is an urban myth. “Tantric sex” can last for hours, but it’s more a state of mind than a physical act. The average length of sex is three to seven minutes, or roughly the amount of time it takes to nuke and eat a Hot Pocket.
SEX MYTH #12: Hot tubs can prevent pregnancy.
FACT: Hot tubs only help facilitate pregnancy, especially during spring break.
SEX MYTH #13: Inbreeding causes mutant babies.
FACT: If sleeping with your cousin caused genetic mutations, then the 11 states where it is legal to marry your cousin would be overrun with octopus-lizard babies.
SEX MYTH #14: Drinking Mountain Dew decreases your sperm count.
FACT: The popular soft drink beverage increases your desire to participate in extreme sports.
SEX MYTH #15: “Blue balls” can be fatal.
FACT: Men can feel pain in their testicles after prolonged episodes of sexual arousal without sexual release. But if this was fatal, then prom night would be followed by mass funerals a few days later.
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